Based on a journal entry written on June 8th, 2020.
Back in May of 2020, I wrote a list of things under the title of “finding meaning is annoying”. Writing is a stretch, since it is just a list of things that I found meaningful in my life.
Happy
Reading the list makes me happy. The list has 120 lines, with some headers. At that time I could think up over 100 meaningful things to me.
I agree with the list. Even the silly things like “washing cloths” and “hanging up pictures” are meaningful. There are so many things happening to find meaning in.
I could add probably a hundred more to the list today if I tried. 20 or 30 of them would be books I’ve read. A handful of board games that I’ve played. Lots of movies that I’ve watched. Apps that I’ve made. Tech that I’ve learned.
Disappointed
I’m disappointed that I struggle, despite all of these things, to find much joy in my day-to-day.
I could expand the list, but it feels like it has actually shrunk.
Some things are intentional. I try to play less video games, especially RuneScape. I don’t watch Twitch anymore. I try to spend less time on YouTube and Reddit. I’m doing less of these things in order to spend time on things that are more meaningful.
Other things stopped being something I do. I haven’t done a Sudoku in a long time. I write maybe once a month instead of daily. These were very time consuming when they were taking over an hour every day.
Change
Other things have become less meaningful as things have changed.
I’m less excited by food.
I used to love going to Piada every day last summer. I’ve tried going back a few times, but it’s bland to me now. I also feel guilt about eating out. It’s takes time, costs too much, and makes it hard to lose weight.
I feel much less close to my coworkers.
It feels like people aren’t even trying to be teams. Remote work has played a big role in that. I’ve been bounced between 4 projects in the last 18 months. One of those projects was by myself, but the other projects had low degrees of teamwork.
Improvement
I’ve had some success over the past few months with weekly “goals”. I write 3-5 things on my whiteboard that I want to do that week.
My current list is:
- Fences in DNFWS
- Violin practice every day
- Less YouTube/Reddit
- Solid 8 hours
- 200 wrist squeezes every day
This practice has lead to many positive things. I floss almost every day. I’ve been cooking at home. I’ve added features to my side projects. I started exercising more consistently.
I’m more mindful of constant self-improvement. If I come across an idea to improve myself, I’m more open to it. One silly example is that my Dentist suggested that I get an electric toothbrush. I’ve been ignoring my dentists for years about this, but my mindset recently was that it’s an easy improvement.
Hope
I’m aware of the situation. I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about it. There’s always hope that I will think up more ideas to improve how I feel.
Writing this post is making me second guess my decision to reduce/eliminate activities that I enjoy. I don’t think I can effectively self moderate my usage of Reddit, YouTube, or games, but maybe there’s another way…
I could also reintroduce some things that have fallen off my radar. I’d like to get back to consistent writing, but maybe 2-3 times per week. Doing a Sudoku every few days isn’t very time consuming at all.
Rationally, I wish I would spend all my spare time on side projects, but cutting out other things hasn’t effectively made me do that.
Sometimes, I just need to relax and enjoy what I’m doing.